I have been going through a serious bout of depression these past few days. In fact as I write this post I’m in the middle of a really bad valley. In these bouts of depression I tend to get very self-reflective, and I have come to a conclusion: my creativity is dying.
This terrifies me.
Being creative has been such a big part of my life. It’s why I started with creative writing, and it’s why I always loved pretend, and why I loved acting. Movie trailers would inspire me, the cool characters in video games would make my mind tick, and stories would just stir up my imagination like a hurricane.
None of that happens anymore.
I feel dried out. And this might be the depression speaking, but I feel like I just do not have the capacity for creativity anymore. And it’s not that I’m bogged down by school or anything. For me school is a breeze.
I believe my problem is that it got to a point where I expected my creativity to be better than it was, and in the letdown that followed, I scrapped the idea to come up with another one. But the cycle simply repeated itself, and since then I’ve lost count of the number of ideas I’ve given up on.
Now I don’t even try to do these ideas anymore. I just sit around and think about them for a while, and think about the crushing reality of how difficult they would be to implement and how likely they would be to fail, and I give up.
I give up before I’ve started.
And I think that is the problem. Reality. It used to be in my mind that I could accomplish anything I wanted, and if I wasn’t able to accomplish it then, I would be later when I knew how. But that’s not how I think anymore. These days I’m always calculating time and resources. Percentages of success. Ratios of my current skill set to the one I’d need. And then I conclude that it is too much, and I quit.
That is my problem.
Now I need to go do something to take my mind off of this or I’ll be up all night thinking about it.