So, after my week-long siesta to acclimate myself to school, let’s talk about projects, and my inability to finish them. Yes, I have a ridiculously hard time finishing things, and honestly, it’s quite the self-destructive cycle, which I will explain in a bit. First, I do need to clarify, that this is not school projects or anything like that, in which I have trouble finishing. In fact, I excel in school projects, and anything else school-related really. No, I am talking about personal projects, things that I (supposedly) enjoy, and my lack of completion.
For those of you who don’t know, I do a lot more than write. I maintain a YouTube channel, I program, I make music (occasionally), I draw/paint, I occasionally play competitive games, and sometimes have a crack at some of the random ideas that occur to me. My career goal as it currently stands is to become a game designer, which is all well and good, until I tell you that I’ve never made a finished game in my life. I’ve started on a number of them, but I can never seem to finish.
Lately I’ve devoted a lot of thought to this problem of mine (especially since I recently abandoned a project that I had put over a thousand lines of code (and at least eight hours) into), and I think I’ve figured out why it happens.
So, I’m sure most of you are aware that I suffer from depression, but something that I don’t think as many people are aware of is that I am 99% certain that I have ADHD as well (99% certain is because I have not and will not get diagnosed. Just a personal choice I made). Now, I’m not going to blame my lack of focus on a mental disorder and just say, “Oh well, that’s that.” No. I think the problem runs deeper than that.
Yes, I get distracted easily, and that may have originally been what pulled me away from projects to begin with, but I don’t think that is so much the case anymore. Instead, I think it’s because of those initial failures, and my consistent lack of completion, that I’ve become hesitant to commit myself fully.
This lack of commitment, I believe, is my biggest obstacle. Ironically, because I’m so afraid of quitting a project, I quit before I’ve started. I know for certain that there’s going to be someone reading this who thinks to themselves, “Well, plan your ideas out for crying out loud. Don’t just rush into it headfirst. That’s a recipe for disaster!”
I hear you loud and clear. In fact, I’m about to embark on another project (starting tomorrow, probably. If I can work up the gumption to actually start) in which I’ve resolved to devote two hours a day for fourteen days just to plan out the project, so that I’ll have a nice roadmap of where I’m headed. Ideally, that will be the key to my problem.
However, I have planned out things in the past, and unfortunately, what happened was that I got so bored during the planning stage that I just gave up on the project before even starting on it. Now I know what you’re all thinking, and that’s okay. I have no self-discipline.
Yeah, sure, I get all my homework done on time, and I’m decent at sticking to upload/posting schedules, but as you all can see from what I just told you, I have absolutely no personal discipline. I can’t make myself stick with something, and I think that’s something that I definitely have to work on. So I’m going to be doing that. In fact, I hope to do that with Eternity. It’s been a while since I’ve finished a novel, or even gotten this far into writing one, and I hope that by the time March rolls around, I’ll have a completed first part to upload to my blog, and ideally that success will boost me into further success. So, wish me luck, and keep me in your prayers.