This is a post meditating on last week, as with all my Monday posts. Last week, was my second last week of break. I know, I’m lucky. This is my final week of break, so I’ve had a long amount of time away from school, which has its pros and cons. And I know you guys who’ve already started school are totally going to be hating on me for this, but I don’t actually mind that school is starting up again.
Yep, I said it. Maybe it’s because I only have four classes this semester (albeit two of them are high-level math classes which I probably should not be taking at the same time, but hey, who’s to say what you can and can’t do, am I right?). Or maybe I don’t mind school because I’ve just had too much free time on my hands. However, I think the reason is actually because for me, it feels like school is the only place where I really ever accomplish anything.
I know that’s a weird mindset to have, seeing as I have achieved so much on this blog, and, to a lesser degree, on my YouTube channel, and I have had a small number of personal achievements in my seventeen years, but it’s only in school that I ever feel like I’m contributing to the rest of my life. And I know there is somebody who’s gonna say that all this stuff I’m doing can go in transcripts and whatnot for jobs and interviews down the road, and yeah, I get that, but because all of this is controlled by me, it feels like I don’t really have any standards to measure up to.
Maybe I’m a strange person, needing standards set by others to feel like I’ve achieved something, but that’s how it goes for me. It’s also possible that this entire post is just a slightly depression-motivated post that I didn’t make the cut for a tutoring position at my community college (I have been accepted for transfer by one of the colleges I applied to, though, so that’s good news =)). But I’ve tried a number of times now to get a job (part-time/summer), and it hasn’t worked out.
People tell me that I’m great, and that I have the stuff, but something always just gets in the way. I’ve even had people eager to get me on the team, but they haven’t been able to make things work out. Now maybe I’m just having a run of bad luck, or maybe God is saving me for something else, but it really has left me with school as my last resort. I feel that if I excel at school, then I’ll have a solid foundation for the rest of my life.
But unfortunately, I’ve also begun to doubt that. I’ve heard many stories now of people who excelled in school, but once they reached the working world, they fell flat on their face, and ended up working at McDonald’s, or something like that (no offense to people working at McDonald’s). I just don’t want that to be me.
I don’t really know why I’m writing all of this in a post to you guys. It doesn’t really have any benefit to you, reading about me, but maybe anybody in the same boat as I am will realize they aren’t alone. And if none of you can relate, that’s okay too. It’s helpful just to get it out there to begin with.
Now, I don’t want anybody thinking that I’m very upset or depressed about this, because I’m not. It’s just a pressure in the back of my head that’s been there for a while, and it doesn’t want to go away. Apart from that, I’m actually feeling quite successful. I think this session of mine has been the best I’ve ever kept to a schedule I set for myself on this blog. Sure, I didn’t post last Friday’s picture (because I wasn’t able to finish it on time), and sure this post is being written at the end of the day it was meant to be posted on, but hey, I’m getting it out.
I guess what I wanted to tell you guys is that I’m going to welcome school when it starts, and once I’m in it, I’m going to work at it, as I always do. And, I know I’m rambling by this point, but something else that’s always bothered me is that I’ve never really been challenged by school. Sure, Geography was hard for me, and I hated it, but that aside, I’ve never had to give my 100 percent to school to do well, and after last semester, I’ve realized that I’m fairly unique in that respect.
Even after overloading myself with subjects last semester, I came out with full A’s, and I’m not trying to boast here. I don’t mean to say that I’m a full A-scholar who gets over a 100 in each of their courses. Most of those A’s were actually borderline, which might sound iffy to some people, but for me, it never was something that I freaked out too much about. Maybe it’s in my personality not to freak out about school, but I wish that school gave me more of a challenge, because I feel like I have more potential, and it really nags me that it’s not being used.
Anyway, I’m going to stop talking now. You guys are probably sick of my rambling, and I promise tomorrow’s post will be better. Goodnight.